03 | The Mole

From Talking Mouths. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of our i, capital L, v e s. [00:00:38] CBC YUKON: And so you can catch him there from noon to 1 at LePage Park. Also, don't forget, it's Yukon Pride week. Lots of events going on. There's 50 years of showing up and showing off. That's a dinner and variety show hosted by Antoinette. That's tonight at six and at eight. And also tonight at the North of Ordinary Experience Center, it's the Teen Pride Extravaganza. And karaoke. And Saturday night. Lots going on Saturday during the day for Yukon Pride. There's a parade down Main Street in the afternoon. And then the dance on Saturday night with Queer As Funk. And then the picnic and the paddle coming up on Sunday. Actually, the picnic's on Saturday, so lots going on with Yukon Pride as well. You're listening to A New Day. It's time now for the news at 8:30. [00:01:33] TOM: Smells good in here. [00:01:35] FRED: How was your shower? [00:01:37] TOM: Man, my skin is so raw. I had to wash, rinse and repeat, like, five times. That butter is really hard to clean off. [00:01:46] FRED: Here's your coffee, big guy. [00:01:48] TOM: Thank you. [00:01:49] FRED: Did you make that reservation for Antoinette's tonight? [00:01:52] TOM: I sure did. [00:01:54] FRED: You know, I'm thinking I might not be in the mood. It could be a really long night. [00:02:00] TOM: It's okay. I phoned last week to order the food, and if I call right now to ask for the check, we might get it by tomorrow morning. [00:02:10] FRED: Well, I do enjoy the food. Let's see how I'm feeling later. [00:02:15] TOM: Can we turn down the radio? I think we need to talk. [00:02:18] FRED: About? [00:02:19] TOM: What do you mean "about"? About everything. About what happened last night with Susan. About who we are, about what we want. About our future. Do we even have a future, Fred, you and me? [00:02:31] FRED: Oh, man, can we not get into this right now? Today's going to be stressful enough as it is. [00:02:38] TOM: What are you talking about? You've got the day off work. [00:02:41] FRED: Yeah, but that's because I'm having major surgery. I can't believe you forgot. [00:02:47] TOM: For Christ's sake, Fred, don't be so dramatic. It's a minor procedure. She's just cutting a tiny mole off your neck. And she'll do it right there in her office. Honestly, I don't know why you're even bothering. [00:03:01] FRED: Tom, how many times do I have to explain? This mole has the exact shape of Belarus. Of all the former Soviet Republics, it's the worst by far. [00:03:12] TOM: That's just your opinion, Fred. Some people think it's lovely. [00:03:16] FRED: Are you kidding me? Malcolm was there for Pride Week in '97. He had the worst time of his life. [00:03:22] TOM: I meant the mole is lovely, Fred. The mole. [00:03:26] FRED: Look, I don't want to argue with you over this. The mole's gotta go. [00:03:30] TOM: This is the perfect example of how your irrational vanity can collide with your desperate need for career advancement. If you're so worried about the potential damage to your vocal cords, I don't understand why you're doing this. That said, I think you're really overestimating the risks. Dr. B is a very skilled professional. [00:03:52] FRED: I know, I know. I'm probably getting all worked up about nothing. I'm sure she'll be very careful. We've actually had many, many hour-long appointments about this mole. They're only supposed to be 15-minute appointments. But I think Dr. B really appreciates our extra time together. She's also very understanding about my nervousness with the whole procedure. My voice is everything to me. [00:04:16] TOM: I understand that too, Fred. I really do. That voice has been your ticket to an amazing career. Call center rep— FRED: Lounge singer— TOM: Play-by-play announcer— FRED: Bingo caller— TOM: Phone sex worker— FRED: Ventriloquist— TOM: Audio book narrator— FRED: 911 dispatcher— TOM: Air traffic controller— FRED: Auctioneer— TOM: White House press secretary— [00:04:37] FRED: Yeah, but I didn't even make it through my first press briefing. [00:04:41] TOM: It still counts. And let's not forget the most talented reporter CKRW has ever had. [00:04:47] FRED: But not for much longer. It's so damn close I can almost taste it. [00:04:52] TOM: Fred, I know how long you've waited for Sandi Coleman to retire. But there's no guarantee you're going to get her old job. [00:04:59] FRED: If they hired that woman with a lisp to guest host Quirks and Quarks, I ought to be a shoe in. [00:05:05] TOM: Point taken. But it's still a pretty big leap. Besides Roch Shannon Fraser, I'm not sure anyone has ever gone from CKRW to CBC Yukon. [00:05:15] TOM: What about that Ron McFadgen guy? [00:05:17] FRED: So, I don't get it. You're closer than ever to landing your dream job, and yet you're going ahead with a medical procedure that, at least in your neurotic mind, threatens your most precious asset. [00:05:29] FRED: My incredible voice. [00:05:30] TOM: Yes, your incredible, beautiful, one-of-a-kind voice. Why take the risk? Even though it's not really a risk. Though I guess there will always be a small risk. You can never remove the risk entirely. Who knows? Maybe today's the day Dr. B will discover what her husband has been doing with her old iPhone and it will totally throw her off her game. Her scalpel hand will be a little shaky and oops, there goes your vocal cords. Maybe your jugular too. [00:05:59] FRED: That's not helpful, Tom. [00:06:01] TOM: I'm just fucking with you, Fred. You've got nothing to worry about. Except for that conversation you're avoiding. We're going to have to deal with this stuff sooner or later. [00:06:12] FRED: That severed jugular is starting to sound more appealing. [00:06:16] TOM: You don't mean that. [00:06:17] FRED: No, Tom, I don't mean it. I just figured it was my turn to fuck with you. I gotta run. [00:06:26] TOM: Are you sure you don't want me to come with you? [00:06:29] FRED: Yes, I'm sure. I appreciate the offer, but there are some things a man must face alone. Say goodbye to Belarus. [00:06:39] TOM: Goodbye, Belarus. It's been a slice. [00:06:42] FRED: Give it a rest, Tom. [00:06:44] TOM: I'll see you tonight. Chin up. It's the only way she'll get the scalpel in there. CBC YUKON: Yes, indeed. It's Friday. Oh, let's play some classic classic rock, shall we? Classic rock with Roch on Fridays. And then at four o'clock, Airplay. And George Maratos will be in the host chair for that. Thanks again for listening.